Why I’ve started blogging

When I’m starting to write this post I don’t know how far it will go, so at the beggining I have to warn you it can be inappropriate story, especially if you are underage.

You have been warned.

In the section about me you can find what I’m writing about. In this post I’m going to clarify why it is like this.
I had no intentions to write about myself, but because some thoughts doesn’t give me peace and recently becoming even stronger and brings more anxiety I decided to throw it out from myself. I’m treating blogging as a kind of therapy, posting my thoughts about things which are important for me, but not personal things about my life.
I’m not convinced does internet is a right place to share facts from personal life, but I’m struggling last days more and more and feel like I have nothing to lose, so here I’m.
From the other hand all informations I may put here are not secret, that someone can use it against me, but still personal.
I hope to feel relief after publishing it, will that happen, I have no idea…
It’s highly possible I’ll be jumping from one topic to another and losing sense, but I hope not.
In India 15th of August is Independence day(more informations about it you can find here on The Shining Gem’s post
https://theshininggem.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/have-we-really-been-independent/
or here on beyOnd woRds_ post
https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/133959409/posts/25).
In my country we have two different holidays at same time, what brought me one thought, If I’m celebrating everyday, am I celebrating at all? When you are doing something everyday it becomess to be a norm, which means normal. So I should say, that I’m never celebrating, instead I’m trying to appreaciate every single day of my life enjoying of surrounding world as much as possible. But it have been almost a year since I can’t find peace. There was something terrible happened in my life, made my own world collapsed for several months. I can’t stop asking myself why some things in my life had happened, I can’t find explanation. Some of my posts are attempts to find out of how some things are working and is it possible it was this or not…
Moving more back into past, few years ago I was about to start my life once again and I had plans to move to Canada. Why there? Because it’s far enough for a new beggining and I have a friend there, so it makes things easy, because if you don’t know something, you have someone trusted to ask about it.
I didn’t go only because I’ve met the girl and started relationship. But it wasn’t just a girl, it was girl, which I knew from childhood, so I thought, she is the person I know really well…
Rest of the story might be to personal but also might be necessary to explain few important things.
She was about to quit her marriage, which wasn’t very well, they didn’t lived together everything was about to be the end and she was the one to start our relationship, so I felt justified.
I’ve broken one of my own rules, dating with married woman, it’s bad, no matter what is happening in the marriage, don’t get in between…
They’ve finished it and we could be together…
After few month I found out she was cheating on me, we have spoken, I gave her second chance and everything seemed to be good.
When I said good I mean really good, at least this is how I saw that. But from the other hand it seem that she also was happy with me, because we got married last year, April 30th…
Less than half year she met another guy and exactly six months after our wedding, our married was destroyed. I was trying to fix it, even when I haven’t done anything wrong, or if I did, she never told me about it. But for real and seriously I have no idea what could I’ve done wrong, I’m respectful, not beating, not drinking, I’m not addicted to hazard or anything… her family also new me since childhood, so we had good relations.
With my wife we was traveling, we had great plans etc. I broughts flowers and took care of her and maybe I was just doing too much. Yes, it’s possible, if you’re doing too much the other person can have enough and feel bad about that. But what you expect from your partner is conversation. If something is wrong, let your partner know about that, no one is a mind reader.
At this moment you can think, what’s your problem man? those things happens…
That’s right and if it end on this I would be angry, sad and disappointed by some time, but the worst thing was who she met. The guy was kind of manipulator with some psychological problems and he was convincing her, that she is possessed…
You can think how this is even possible, that she was with this kind of person and even today I have no idea about that. In result she attempted to commit suicide by three times…
Somwhere in between all this happenings she asked me to move out…
I was still trying to take care about her and fix our marriage.
When you getting marriage you swaer to be with your beloved to the end of your days and for me promises at all are sacred, you can’t break given word…
It is so naive from my side, of course people are not keeping their promises…
But it doesn’t mean, that I have to be the same as others.

From all this stressful situations I’ve lost around 80-90 pounds, I was looking really bad…
You can see me before and today, writing this post, fortunatelly I don’t have any picture from around 6-8 months ago, when was the worst time for me…


In our wedding anniversary I gave up completely. I had wrote few posts before, but it was still to early for that, so we can say I’ve started probably in June.
So now you can find out what makes some of my posts a little bit bitter…

Now I’m waiting for divorce case in october, which makes me think about all of this more and more everyday, because I don’t know what is right to do.
When the judge will ask is it true that is no one fault our marriage ends I can say it’s not, because as I believe you have to pay the price for your actions, but from the other side I’m affraid that she can attemp to commit suicide again.
Someone can say, why to worry about this, it’s not my problem anymore, but we are talking about other human beign and it’s deffinately inappropriate to the guilt.
So this is it…

I always wanted to provide happy life (as everyone of course, only for each person it can have different meaning). Live with beloved wife traveling together and fulfill eachother, support eachother have someone to miss for when we cannot be together etc. very simple things. Now my faith in it is damaged and I’m trying to rebuilt it.
It’s one of conditions before I will meet someone new, the other is divorce.
You can say I’m complaining, but am I? What I’m doing right now is trying to throw out all the pain from the inside…
Now I’m 34 years old and I see a lot of things the same as before and the same as I was much younger. In my age it’s more like I’m realise where I am in my life and see more while looking back into past, I can see how fast life is going and I’m more serious about my life. What can be interesting, I don’t think about myself as about old or middle age man and deffinately I don’t feel it at all. Last time I even thought about how it is, that some men hitting to much younger girls and by some part it can be this, because when I’m talking with 20 years old girl I don’t feel the difference between us and I have to realize that it’s 14 years! But I remember when I was about 20 years old, someone 34 years old seemed as at least middle age to me. It’s interesting how perspective can change with time.
I was always taking life in positive way and it didn’t changed, even when I know World never will be a perfect place, I’m still trying to make it better, but I’m trying speak to a reason which is harder than speak to emotions. All the “great leaders” who made masses to follow them had spoke to emotions and as more primal and stronger emotions they had spoken to, as greater masses they moved.
World without money and wars is theoretically possible, theoretically…
Still if we cannot do it perfect, we can work to do it better.
Finally this post doesn’t seem to be inappropriate, which is good.
As is kind of relief for me, I hope you can find it as helpful somehow for you.

At the end I would like to thank those bloggers who are reading each my posts, I appreciate it.
Thank You.

The future’s past

I woke up and opened my eyes to see, that the yesterday’s tomorrow is today.
When yesterday was today, expiration date seemed to be far away.
But now, today is the future and tomorrow will be today.
We are living now, always now, always today, there is no other option.
Our perspective is small and makes hard for us to see small changes happening around in present reality.
Future smoothly turnes into past, but we still are trapped in present day.
Every moment of life is happening now.
Distant future of tomorrow can be disappointing for the people, who thought about it yesterday.
When I’m looking back into years and centuries, I see people were expecting so different World of today.
What we are expecting from tomorrow?
Tomorrow will be today, next day…

One day in The Eden…

For me real journey, have to be an adventure…

I was reading some posts about Cornwall and solo traveling, what brought back some memories, which I would like to share with you.
But first, here you have links to mentioned posts:
https://whenlifeawakens.wordpress.com/2017/07/31/travel/
https://whenlifeawakens.wordpress.com/2017/08/05/travel-2/
simply solo-travelling

When you don’t have time for holidays, you can go for one day trip, only remember to make this day as best as possible.
Few years ago it was during hot days of summer.
I had only one day to visit Cornwall, so I knew I have to do my best, to not waste a single second. I’ve checked everything before my journey. But check doesn’t mean to be prepared…
I bought tickets for night train, which was leaving London around 11pm and after seven hours reaches St. Austell. So I had whole night to sleep and full day for visiting The Eden Project.
St. Austell is a small town and at 6am everything is close there, so I had some time to catch first bus to The Eden Project, which I spend on sightseeing neighborhood. There was only one little problem, the only map I had, it was map of Cornwall, not even of St. Austell and had nothing to do with accuracy. On this map you could see lettering St. Austell and little dot pointing the town. Fortunately I’m good in finding way back or where is any direction (north, south, west, east), so even with this map I was able to find everything I wanted to see and what most important, way to the bus.

Bus to EP was filled by people working there, which most of them are volunteers and students. When I got there, it was still early and tropical bioms were closed for turists. The crew was still working inside, taking care of the plants etc. There is nothing to be worry about, because outside garden it’s really big and interesting.

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At this picture is only part of outside garden, however I think it’s enough to see how big it is. You can also see some people right there, to have comparative scale.

This, what I wanted to see the most was the bioms and it was very surprising what I saw inside…  I have seen some ponds or pools inside greenhouses before, but here it is like someone wanted to put whole World in one place, so you can see waterfalls or houses stylized for the places of origin of plants.

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You can also try juice from Baobab there, or go to the restaurant, which serve food taken from mediterranean biome’s plants.

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On this picture you can see cultivation of grapes and olives (in background).
My camera wasn’t fully charged, so I don’t have a lot of pictures, but I kept my memories.

When I was going back from The Eden Project, I’ve met one man from Scotland and at first seconds when he spoked to me, I’ve thought he speaks different language. He was on his holidays in Cornwall, so different than Scotland as he said.

It was early evening when I decided to go to the Charlestown’s beach. Near to harbor you can find some caves, which are very tempting to go inside. And that’s what I did, I went inside one deeper cave. From the inside of the cave, Sea is heard differently, also you can find some shells, only you have to remember, that Sea level can increase and it can happen really quickly… When water forced me to leave this place I went for a little shopping, because I still had few hours to my train.
At the station I met Ron Choong, an American born in Malaysia, he also was in The Eden Project and he was waiting for the same train. It was lucky for both of us, to meet eachother, because the train was delayed for a long time and we had interesting conversation.
Sometimes it’s nice to travel alone, but sometimes in situations like this when you are waiting for train, plane or whatever, it’s good to have right companion.
Take care.

My big little journey

I like to travel, especially with the car, it makes me feel free. I can go when and where I want, admire changing views from car window. For me the best is the long journey into unknown places, which are not popular for turists. But it’s not like I’m going straight ahead no matter where. I’m always planning my journies and looking for interesting places on map. What is interesting, all these places turn out to be interesting. I’m also lucky if it’s about the food, I always meets nice and tasty cuisine, or maybe I simply have no big demads when it’s about it. From the other hand some people says I am. o I guess, I’m just lucky to find good places. After one thousand miles journey, even if I’m tired, I’m also glad. Each new places means new point of view, new thoughts, new perspective, new experience.
Unfortunately, in this year it’s impossible for me to go anywhere. I don’t even have a car, so it’s makes this little bit more difficult. But last sunday I was so lucky to borrow car and go on my biggest journey of this year! 40km away from the place I live…
It’s not far, but it was enough to make me feel like on my others big journies.
Sometimes even small thing, can bring big satisfaction.
Sometimes small thing, can make a big difference.
Have a nice day.

Chaos of thoughts

In my mind, everything seem to be so clear and in best order. Problems starts when it comes to write my thoughts wherever, on paper or here, doesn’t matter. My thoughts start to jump in my mind, cannot stay calm, speeding faster than the bullet, faster than sound. I’m writing one thing and another thought is waiting to be wrote, different idea comes same time and everything want to go out. My thoughts simply don’t like to wait in queue, each one want to be first.
When it is too much, when it’s something personal, I’m trying to run out from sorrow thoughts, looking for this kind of enterteinment, where I will have to pay a lot attention, which make me like mindless zombie for a few moments in hope to forget. But I’m never forgetting, personal things and memories stays with me and taking everysingle breath of my life, don’t let me to sleep. I don’t even know what is worst, nightmares dreaming when I’m sleeping, or in reality. So I’m trying to run away from this thoughts, looking for others, focus on different case, it’s helpless. It’s works only for a moment.
Personal disaster can change you and your life forever. It’s a real blessing when you have someone around you who is able to help you during bad times. But don’t abuse someone’s time and patience. Sometimes we just need an outside impulse to move on. Sometimes we need to deal with this, what happened in our life. Just don’t give up, even in worst moment. Try to set your mind and adjust to new circumstances. No one says it’s easy, don’t have to be rush, just don’t weep too much, tragedies happens around the World incessantly and put people in some situations, that is hard to imagine.
Look for joyce, even in smallest things, one single ray of light can bring a smile. When you lost everything, when you have nothing, everything counts.