Why I’ve started blogging

When I’m starting to write this post I don’t know how far it will go, so at the beggining I have to warn you it can be inappropriate story, especially if you are underage.

You have been warned.

In the section about me you can find what I’m writing about. In this post I’m going to clarify why it is like this.
I had no intentions to write about myself, but because some thoughts doesn’t give me peace and recently becoming even stronger and brings more anxiety I decided to throw it out from myself. I’m treating blogging as a kind of therapy, posting my thoughts about things which are important for me, but not personal things about my life.
I’m not convinced does internet is a right place to share facts from personal life, but I’m struggling last days more and more and feel like I have nothing to lose, so here I’m.
From the other hand all informations I may put here are not secret, that someone can use it against me, but still personal.
I hope to feel relief after publishing it, will that happen, I have no idea…
It’s highly possible I’ll be jumping from one topic to another and losing sense, but I hope not.
In India 15th of August is Independence day(more informations about it you can find here on The Shining Gem’s post
https://theshininggem.wordpress.com/2017/08/15/have-we-really-been-independent/
or here on beyOnd woRds_ post
https://wordpress.com/read/blogs/133959409/posts/25).
In my country we have two different holidays at same time, what brought me one thought, If I’m celebrating everyday, am I celebrating at all? When you are doing something everyday it becomess to be a norm, which means normal. So I should say, that I’m never celebrating, instead I’m trying to appreaciate every single day of my life enjoying of surrounding world as much as possible. But it have been almost a year since I can’t find peace. There was something terrible happened in my life, made my own world collapsed for several months. I can’t stop asking myself why some things in my life had happened, I can’t find explanation. Some of my posts are attempts to find out of how some things are working and is it possible it was this or not…
Moving more back into past, few years ago I was about to start my life once again and I had plans to move to Canada. Why there? Because it’s far enough for a new beggining and I have a friend there, so it makes things easy, because if you don’t know something, you have someone trusted to ask about it.
I didn’t go only because I’ve met the girl and started relationship. But it wasn’t just a girl, it was girl, which I knew from childhood, so I thought, she is the person I know really well…
Rest of the story might be to personal but also might be necessary to explain few important things.
She was about to quit her marriage, which wasn’t very well, they didn’t lived together everything was about to be the end and she was the one to start our relationship, so I felt justified.
I’ve broken one of my own rules, dating with married woman, it’s bad, no matter what is happening in the marriage, don’t get in between…
They’ve finished it and we could be together…
After few month I found out she was cheating on me, we have spoken, I gave her second chance and everything seemed to be good.
When I said good I mean really good, at least this is how I saw that. But from the other hand it seem that she also was happy with me, because we got married last year, April 30th…
Less than half year she met another guy and exactly six months after our wedding, our married was destroyed. I was trying to fix it, even when I haven’t done anything wrong, or if I did, she never told me about it. But for real and seriously I have no idea what could I’ve done wrong, I’m respectful, not beating, not drinking, I’m not addicted to hazard or anything… her family also new me since childhood, so we had good relations.
With my wife we was traveling, we had great plans etc. I broughts flowers and took care of her and maybe I was just doing too much. Yes, it’s possible, if you’re doing too much the other person can have enough and feel bad about that. But what you expect from your partner is conversation. If something is wrong, let your partner know about that, no one is a mind reader.
At this moment you can think, what’s your problem man? those things happens…
That’s right and if it end on this I would be angry, sad and disappointed by some time, but the worst thing was who she met. The guy was kind of manipulator with some psychological problems and he was convincing her, that she is possessed…
You can think how this is even possible, that she was with this kind of person and even today I have no idea about that. In result she attempted to commit suicide by three times…
Somwhere in between all this happenings she asked me to move out…
I was still trying to take care about her and fix our marriage.
When you getting marriage you swaer to be with your beloved to the end of your days and for me promises at all are sacred, you can’t break given word…
It is so naive from my side, of course people are not keeping their promises…
But it doesn’t mean, that I have to be the same as others.

From all this stressful situations I’ve lost around 80-90 pounds, I was looking really bad…
You can see me before and today, writing this post, fortunatelly I don’t have any picture from around 6-8 months ago, when was the worst time for me…


In our wedding anniversary I gave up completely. I had wrote few posts before, but it was still to early for that, so we can say I’ve started probably in June.
So now you can find out what makes some of my posts a little bit bitter…

Now I’m waiting for divorce case in october, which makes me think about all of this more and more everyday, because I don’t know what is right to do.
When the judge will ask is it true that is no one fault our marriage ends I can say it’s not, because as I believe you have to pay the price for your actions, but from the other side I’m affraid that she can attemp to commit suicide again.
Someone can say, why to worry about this, it’s not my problem anymore, but we are talking about other human beign and it’s deffinately inappropriate to the guilt.
So this is it…

I always wanted to provide happy life (as everyone of course, only for each person it can have different meaning). Live with beloved wife traveling together and fulfill eachother, support eachother have someone to miss for when we cannot be together etc. very simple things. Now my faith in it is damaged and I’m trying to rebuilt it.
It’s one of conditions before I will meet someone new, the other is divorce.
You can say I’m complaining, but am I? What I’m doing right now is trying to throw out all the pain from the inside…
Now I’m 34 years old and I see a lot of things the same as before and the same as I was much younger. In my age it’s more like I’m realise where I am in my life and see more while looking back into past, I can see how fast life is going and I’m more serious about my life. What can be interesting, I don’t think about myself as about old or middle age man and deffinately I don’t feel it at all. Last time I even thought about how it is, that some men hitting to much younger girls and by some part it can be this, because when I’m talking with 20 years old girl I don’t feel the difference between us and I have to realize that it’s 14 years! But I remember when I was about 20 years old, someone 34 years old seemed as at least middle age to me. It’s interesting how perspective can change with time.
I was always taking life in positive way and it didn’t changed, even when I know World never will be a perfect place, I’m still trying to make it better, but I’m trying speak to a reason which is harder than speak to emotions. All the “great leaders” who made masses to follow them had spoke to emotions and as more primal and stronger emotions they had spoken to, as greater masses they moved.
World without money and wars is theoretically possible, theoretically…
Still if we cannot do it perfect, we can work to do it better.
Finally this post doesn’t seem to be inappropriate, which is good.
As is kind of relief for me, I hope you can find it as helpful somehow for you.

At the end I would like to thank those bloggers who are reading each my posts, I appreciate it.
Thank You.

Set your mood

It’s another post inspired by someone else post (what a great writing).
This time is from My book life by Naya
https://nayasfairytale.wordpress.com/2017/08/13/organization-tips-for-the-busy-college-student-%EF%BB%BF/comment-page-1/#comment-1727

It’s important and helpful to organize your day schedule well and you can find useful tips for it on Naya post, but there is something more what I want to add.

When you are about to go to bed, set your mood positive, you can do a lot of things with your thoughts. You can think about next day, or day, which just passed or anything as long it will set you positive. We can be tired or have many problems, stress etc. but for the short moment before you go to sleep, think about something good, it can change a lot.

The second thing is the thing what you are doing in the morning. Who like to wake up with the thought it’s another busy day (school or job)? You can set reminder in your phone with something positive to think about it when you just open your eyes, it really gives energy and set good mood. Find pleasure in small things and learn to admire surrounding beauty.
Someone can say, how to expect any beauty around, when you are at war or any other bad happening, but sometimes these small things you can find around you, may help you to survive bad times. Talk to people who had experience terrible things and ask them about it. During bad bad times, the hope can be like a miracle.

Third thing is to spread your positive mood and energy and it will come back to you.
Small things can do a lot, it’s enough to smile kindly to someone to make this person feel nice. You will find out how nice, when you will recive smile back to you too.

Ok, now it’s a little summary:
1 – think about nice things before bed time
2 – think about nice things when you wake up
3 – smile, it cost you nothing and can make big difference

I would like if you let me know after few days, how it works for you 🙂
Take care.

Ignorance

“Real knowledge is to know the extent of one’s ignorance” – Confucius

I wonder, what does it mean to be a human?
Through all history, each generation of mankind thought about their own generation as of the greatest one.
It seems, that ignorance supported with self confidence leads to self imagination of being the best. After Dunning-Kruger effect, we can divide awareness on four stages.
1 – unaware of self incompetence
2 – aware of self incompetence
3 – unaware of self competence
4 – aware of self competence

If we apply these stages to our awareness of primal instincts and ability to control it, we will receive this scheme:
1 – unaware of being under influence of primal instincts and inability to control it
2 – aware of fact, that we are under the influence of primal instincts, but still unable to control it
3 – aware of primal instincts, but unaware ability to control it
4 – aware of primal instincts and being able to control it

Where we are now? Probably at stage 2. We know, that primal instincts do exists and have impact on our everyday life, but are we able to control it? When I’m looking at people, on this what is happening around the World, or at myself, I think we are far away from it. Firstable it’s hard to take control over primal instincts. Enough to look back, how much we changed since known history. Sciencehas been changed, technology has been changed, our lifestyle has been changed, but our behaviour and reasons of our acts did not. Are we smarter than few thousands years ago? In some areas of life and science, yes. But when I’m looking on it like this: thousands of years passed and we are still competitive instead of being cooperative. We still have some small and shallow reasons to make this World not friendly for living. It’s only one Planet in our solar system, which gives life friendly conditions, and what we are doing with it? How we are using it? Do we respect what we have received?
How do we are using all natural sources?
How do we treat each other?
How do we treat, even ourselves?
I think, that our behaviour is basing on few factors and it will not change quickly.
People call for something, when it’s about themselves, but ignore it when it’s about others. People seems to like utopian ideas, forgeting it’s impossible. There is no such things as freedom and justice, there are only compromises. Even compromises are hard to stand for people, but it’s probably, because, they don’t understand some of them, how it is like this and why. We are selfish, yes we are. We see our needs, our feelings, our memories and everything what we can call our in so different way than any other person, but it’s natural. We all are different.
Let’s go back to freedom and justice in only one example.
If it’s allowed to smoke cigarettes, one person is smoking, but the other one don’t like it, can we call this is freedom and justice. It’s small and simple example, but I think it’s enough to point how much our life is about compromises and smart solving problems and if we will be unable to solve small problems like this, then how we gonna deal with big ones?
Primal instintcs was important for people for long time, which was helpful to save their lives. Even today some of those instincts are important, but I think, it would be good to learn how to control it and use properly when it’s needed.
I know it’s easy to say and it might be another utopian idea, but I think it’s worth to try becoming better, even when we know it’s impossible to become the perfect.
There is a lot of things to keep in mind, like trying too hard can lead you to frustration…
Does it make any sense, or I’m talking crap?
I don’t know, maybe I’m too tired, maybe it’s just too hot and I’m writing in some kind of insanity…
How can I know that, if I will not confront it with others?
Or does it possible, to know you are right by yourself?
Is it not just another time when it’s about ignorance and confidence?

I’m tired

No matter what I’ll write, how I will provoke, people here like it or not reacting. Is it so unique society here? Why it cannot be on entire World like this? What is wrong with the people? I really have enough of stupidity and other lower instincs, which leading to conflicts.

Nobody likes me

Todays World is so much about being nice to the others, that it’s sometimes make people to lie to you straight in your face. All because not hurting someone else feelings. That is so great. When is something wrong, I want to know about it and when I realise, that nobody told me nothing, I’m thinking “what is wrong with all those people”
Sometimes I think, honesty have lost its value.
Asking people for honesty may cause you will hear something, what you don’t want to hear. However, being honest, doesn’t mean to be rude, but also you don’t have to behave like a “sweet pussycat”, afraid to hurt someone’s feelings. It’s really not about it. Be honest, but also think.
Today’s people are like “keep on smiling” society, yeah everything is cool. Well, not, it isn’t.
Somebody ask you how he/she look in some clothes, is good to say how it really is.
If someone is wrong about soething and you know about it, why not to tell him about it?
Is it better to let him make mistake? Of course we are learning on mistakes, but without making mistakes we are also able to learn.
It’s happening even here, where people are writing and reading everyday. You may think, they have to be smart people. So look at comments sections. Most of it is like encouragement and agreement. It’s make me not sure, does people are really reading?
But I don’t know, maybe it’s something wrong with me.
Am I the only one who wnat discussion instead of sweetening?

When “too much” means “not good”

Do we understand well, what “do your best” really means?
When we are trying to achieve something and work as hard as possible and really do what is necessary for it, or even more and still not getting closer to reach our goal, then obviously, something is wrong. We may even not see this and think, that everything is ok, until one day. How is that possible?
How is possible to work so hard, do our best and to not see something is going wrong?
When we put too much effort, when we are trying too much, then it’s easy to lose perspective and miss a lot of things happens around us.
For example, I don’t have to write long posts, when the message is clear and understandable.
What for? Is it the point, to get people bored of reading, when it’s too much?
Is it the point to get people tired of you, when you are asking them every time about something, when for them is too much?
Trying too hard, doing too much is a trap!
Take a break, get perspective, find the balance.